Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
