i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
