Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
