If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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