i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
