My friends, they love my intelligence
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
