Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
