well I can't set my house on fire every night
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
