When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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