the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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