This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How does one acquire holy water?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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