remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
