Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
