Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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