DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
