I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
