god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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