i would punch a child for taco bell
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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