I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
