I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
