3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
