mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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