It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Operation Purity has been aborted
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
