Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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