I have demons in me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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