Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
