you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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