I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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