Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
