I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
