I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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