What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
