im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
