If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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