I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
