Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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