i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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