I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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