Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
