i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
