I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
