I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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