i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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