I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
