Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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