Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
