I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
