6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't deserve a penis
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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