She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
