WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
