Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
