He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
