so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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